This time is different. This time I don’t want a relationship because I am lonely or desperately need somebody to prove my worth. No.
Over the last years I have grown so much. I have been in hypothetical places I’d never thought I’d be. I have been in different heights, worn different sorts of clothes, seen the world through different filters of glasses, and I have learnt from everyone of them. I have outgrown my expectation, as well as underestimated my own capability. I have reached out to various corners of my heart, albeit not all of them. I have swept some dust under the rug for my own well-being. I have changed. I have been all kinds of Indiena in such a short period of time.
That is why, this time I no longer want to be in a relationship only to have a friend through the bad days. No. This time, I need to learn how to walk side by side with someone else, to share the good and the bad, to master the art of giving and receiving, to improve a two-way communication skill, to learn how to handle and care for somebody else. I need to learn how to live with someone else other than myself. I need to learn how to be sad and happy with someone else, because even though I have been all sorts of Indiena, I have not been the sort of Indiena who knows how to live with somebody else. So, this time, I need to be in a relationship because I want to grow some more. I want to grow up together with somebody else. I want to accept the fact that I get to receive in return for the things I have given. I want to accept the fact that it is okay to be angry at somebody. I want to accept the workings of the world that you might not like somebody’s way of being very much and yet that does not make you think less of that other person. I want to accept that somebody else might feel the same way towards me.
I want to be a whole other Indiena. Another world I have not been able to visit because of my own limitations and fears. I want to reach that point where the world does not have to end just because another person does not think I am perfect. I need to learn how to be okay with the fact that somebody might love me for me, not for the things I can give them. And that world is an alien world to me. And I need to get into a spaceship right here, right now, where I wouldn’t think twice about going on the mysterious voyage, to get to that planet of wonder and pain. I have to discover it myself, that there is a world of such kind–where the rain and the sun can co-exist. That in reality, it is the only kind of place there is. Not a world of total darkness or total sunshine.
Right now I think if I want to teach my kids of such wonders of the world, I need to know it by myself first. That is why I need to be in a relationship. Maybe it’s the wrong kind of thinking in the future, but for now, it feels so right.
So, even if it turns out I am not fully ready, I am not scared anymore.