Losing A Friend

It’s kind of a usual thing for everyone, losing a friend.

But do we actually get used to it?

I’ve lost a lot of friends and acquaintances. My number one habit is pushing people away and not fixing broken relationships, because 1) I don’t even notice it’s broken, 2) I don’t care to, 3) I am too afraid, and 4) I don’t know how.

One of my friends told me that relationships end for a lot of various reasons. Not every one of them ends because of a conflict, most of them, instead, end because the parties involved start to grow apart. It’s true in my case. I usually grow apart from companies I loved, instead of apparent conflicts. But the case that most often happens is internal conflict–meaning it happens only in my head.

And that’s the problem: how do I fix a broken relationship resulting from a one-way conflict? Do I tell them sorry that I have rejected you because I feel like I’m annoying and not good enough? Do I tell them sorry I kept my distance because I hated you for certain things you did but you didn’t know?

I have just lost a friend. It’s a special case because for the first time I was aware that it was happening. (Usually I only realise it after months or years, queerly.) Now that I think about it, a different view in things might be the problem, but the main reason is that we don’t care enough in the first place. Don’t care enough to make it better, don’t care enough to fix it, don’t care enough about each other. Maybe not. Maybe because we have never been a real friend, at that.

Anyway, this recent event opens my eyes more to the fact that I am so bad at relationships that I shouldn’t be trusted to handle one. I know it’s such a negative post from a recently-found positive spirit, but I guess things happen in life and writing is my place to whine–overtly or covertly. So pardon me, but I need this.

Today I heard on tv that a certain comedian/artist died at 85 in his brother’s home, alone, surrounded by his cats only. And then I could so vividly watch me end the same way in my head. Because that’s me. I break things, and my friend would tell me that I should mend them, but I don’t know how. And then my psychologist would tell me, learn to do it. And then I would answer back that I don’t want to. Because I don’t want to turn into debris something that is already broken. Because I did that these last days, and I don’t want to end up like that comedian.

Yeah, maybe my thinking is not straight enough yet. I have got to catch up with the world.

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